i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
