Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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