I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
