I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
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Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
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If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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