Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
