I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
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having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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