soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
