they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
