he puts the penis in happiness.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
