he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
