I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
