were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
