I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
