But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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