Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
