who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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