Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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