if you like me you must not know who I am
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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