Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
