Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i've created a new STD.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
