We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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