Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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