How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
