I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
