Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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