are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
