i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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