Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
