I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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