My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
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there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
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I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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