The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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