He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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