I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
