Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
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whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today