I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
