Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
i know! what is this dateline?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.