he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.