Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.