no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.