saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
