Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
