did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
