I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
