i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
