highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
