If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
