Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
