I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
