Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
