youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
