i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
