Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
