Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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