I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
