I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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