I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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