What a fucking waste of an outfit
My liver just broke up with me...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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