remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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