Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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